Some of my favorite short-short stories.
“The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door…”
“For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”
“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.”
I feel like I am not doing this blog it’s due diligence because I have another blog on the side that I have now had for 8 years and I don’t feel right leaving it. Because I still write there, I keep on deciding that I would just write the same thing here and choosing not to post.
I bought a book a couple of weeks ago called 642 Things to Write About. It is just a book of writing prompts. I thought that it would not only be able to pass my time, but it might help me to regain the appreciation for writing that I used to have before college.
The reason that I bought the book is that I have been trying really hard to find a hobby. Before I started college I loved to read and write, but having to read and write constantly for four years while I was in school kind of made me want to not spend my time doing those things anymore. And that is something that I feel really guilty about. I have been trying to make myself read and I have still been struggling with it, but I am getting better each time I try, even if it is just by adding an extra page onto what I plan to read.
I have really been feeling like I need something to entertain me because being able to work from home makes it so that I just sit at home all the time. The friends that I have in Wooster still work retail or are still college students who are just as busy right now as I was this time last year. So, unfortunately it makes it complicated when everyone has such unpredictable schedules to make things work out. Working from home is kind of a lonely way of life, but that’s okay. I am trying to make the best of it, and I am doing much better with it now than I was a month ago.
I just have to keep myself occupied.
I don’t think that most people realize how lonely working from home can be.
I wake up around 8 or 9 and walk downstairs to the table that I have set up for work. I start working, and I work until about 1 when I feel like I can’t stay in the basement anymore, then I pace around the house and try to talk to Chris before he leaves for work. Once he leaves the house gets quiet again and I go back to work until 4 or 5, depending on when I started.
The thing is, I stop working, and I don’t get to leave. Most people get off work and get to go home. For me…. I think that being at home with my work things is putting an uncomfortable amount of stress on me.
Moving back to Wooster was supposed to put me back in touch with friends I had moved away from, at least in my head. I am realizing that when your friends all work retail or are still college students and writing senior I.S. and you finally have the 9-5 job that most people want…. that things really don’t get easier.
I would love to have a part time job just a few nights a week and on Saturdays. Those are the times that I don’t really have anything to do. And I would like to be able to be around people more often than I am.
And I realize that all of this is really kind of pathetic, but I’m okay with that. I think that it’s okay to admit it when you’re lonely.
Chris and I leave next Thursday night for Atlanta!
I am both really excited and kind of worried about the trip.
I am excited because I bought him tickets for the Falcons-Raiders game for his birthday. He is actually obsessed with the Falcons, and I promised him that I would pick a football team since he was so excited about football season, and the Raiders were my pick. We decided to take a long weekend down there and go to the aquarium and bar hop a little and just do things that we don’t normally get to do in Ohio.
I’m not so excited because I feel like I shouldn’t be going on a trip with the money issue that I ran into earlier this week. Fortunately, I ended up in that issue because I wanted to pay all of my bills at once so that I can have my entire paycheck for the trip, which I have set a budget for and can definitely stay under.
We also found a puppy-sitter for Oxford, who will hopefully be a good boy and make a new friend in the meantime.
I have been in kind of a mood for the last week because it feels like everything shitty that can happen kind of is.
Monday when I went in to start the paperwork on ending our lease in Columbus, they tried to tell me that we had to be in the apartment for two more months before we were even able to start the process of ending the lease early. I started some shit with the guy and made a scene and we were able to get it taken care of in my favor. So, that ended well enough, but I was still mad for like two days.
Wednesday I found out that I had no money.
Thursday I realized that I had a ton of work to do over the weekend so I can’t even relax that much, and I was also supposed to visit with my sister on Saturday and Chris was supposed to go home and meet her on Sunday.
Today I found out that my sister isn’t coming home this weekend after all, and instead, she is coming home while I am in Atlanta. Which is fucking awful for me because I only get to see her a couple times a year anyway, normally two or three times. I already missed out on one visit because my old manager wouldn’t let me take a personal day when they were going to be stopping at my parents house. I did see her for my graduation party, but they wouldn’t come for my college graduation, and I will see her at Christmas most likely.
The relationship that my family has is really complicated.
Well, today I had to do something that I am absolutely ashamed of. I had to ask my mom if I could borrow money.
Fortunately, I was asking for money to take my puppy to the vet. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I haven’t been irresponsible in some ways with my money.
It is 100% my fault that I am basically completely poor until the 12th. I do things like go out to dinner with friends, and buy things that I don’t need, and occasionally wait to pay bills until my last pay check. No one can tell me that they don’t do those things occasionally.
I pay all of my bills on time every month. If I know that someone can’t cash my check until Friday, I am honest about it. And I know that I am going to be able to give my mom back the money that I she gave me before the end of the month, even if I have to struggle a little bit then, too.
I understand having to go without certain things. I spent an entire summer not able to afford sufficient groceries… so my shopping list normally consisted of bread, butter, peanut butter, Frosted Flakes, and milk. And I occasionally splurged and went over my $20 shopping budget to get fruit or Lemon Ice.
I accept that this means that I have to learn to be more responsible. I understand that I can’t buy things that I want all the time, and that I can’t go out to eat or buy things that aren’t necessities. I know that and I am okay with it.
Something about this feels very small.
Every once in a while I have those “Oh shit. What am I doing?” moments.
Not about anything specific, but just life in general.
I can’t help but wonder if not going to grad school was a mistake, because, honestly, I don’t see myself going back.
And sometimes I feel bad about the fact that I did the absolute bare minimum in every college class, because I am much more intelligent than my transcript makes me out to be.
I feel like I need to find a new job now that I am moving back. And I don’t like that because I like my job now, but driving to Columbus just isn’t practical.
I feel like my life has done nothing but change since the end of April. And most of those changes have been good. But… I feel like I could kind of use a break.
I am adjusting to a lot of new things.
My things are slowly starting to get moved into Chris’s house. Sometimes he says “our house” and I feel like it is something serious that I need to accept and embrace.
I don’t know how to feel about the fact that I actually get emotional over him. I think that it is a good sign, but who really knows.
Oxford is a really smart puppy. Today he learned to sit. And he hasn’t had a legitimate accident in about a week. He’s great.
I feel like I am ready to retire.
The mantel is coming today. And I just want it to get here so that we can go look at tables.
I have become a “we” person somewhere along the line. And I don’t know how long I have been like that. And I both like and dislike it at the same time.
I have a really strong belief in having contradicting feelings. I believe that it is completely normal and okay to be both happy and sad, or like and dislike something at the same time. I feel like words that explain feelings are often just too black and white. And grey is one of my favorite colors for a reason (I know it isn’t a color, but fuck you).
My first big mistake of this whole redecorating fiasco cost me $100 dollars. It wasn’t even that big of a mistake, really. I just ordered some things for decoration that are WAY too small for what I wanted to use them for. I think that I can make it work, though.
I’ve become an optimist somewhere along the line to. And, I can say that while I like the positive attitude, I sometimes feel like I get more disappointed than I should.
I’m working on things.
Sometimes I have feelings that I don’t really know how to explain or express.
Today I have been sad. And I don’t really know what it is that is making me that way.
I have wanted to sleep all day. And if I haven’t been sleeping I have been trying to task or do anything that I can to keep my mind occupied. Like completely reorganize Chris’s kitchen.
And that is embarrassing to me. Because I am normally good at not having that many feelings to worry about.
This has been a weird week for me.
Not the workout. Never the workout.
I dropped the ball with the last week of the “30” thing. Oxford really has been taking up all of my time. If I wasn’t with him I was at a wedding, so that kind of made things complicated.
I am obsessed with decorating right now. Chris and I are decorating his front room. And it is going to be amazing.
I am really excited to be able to move in with him. I think that we are going to be great living there together. He wants me to put my touch on things. And I appreciate that about him.
But, he didn’t realize how obsessed I would be, and I am constantly calling him about accent colors and when and where to but a sofa table and about the kinds of decorations I think that we will need.
I love that.